THEME

p0lariss:

*follows dreams* *dreams dont follow back* *unfollows dreams*

shmooka:

House of Roses - Islington, London
~   Vodka thoughts
(via hardcore)

kaarlie:

queerdontfear:

I’m sorry, but if lesbians can control themselves in a girls only changing room with ass naked woman waltzing around. Then I figure men should be able to control them selves with clothed girls walking down the street. Just a thought.

SHIT.

(Source: gayandaffraid)

carryonmy-assbutt:

pandaaamonium14:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I can’t pick a favourite
yousmellsofruity:

snotvanilla:

odins-one-eyed-fuck:

lovelyphantasmagoria:

setbabiesonfire:

swallowedwholeinnegatives:

What does this mean?

That, my friend, is exactly the question you have to ask.

YOU LEFT OUT THE MOTHERFUCKING CRYSTAL PYRAMIDS THEY FOUND ON THE FLOOR OF THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE

OLDER THAN THE AZTECS AND COMPLETELY SMOOTH AND 3 TIMES BIGGER THAN THE EGYPTIAN CHEOPS AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW IT GOT THERE.

IM SORRY BUT WHY IS THIS THE FIRST TIME IVE HEARD OF THE CRYSTAL PYRAMIDS WHAT IS THIS SHIT

OKAY HERE’S YOUR DEBRIEFING OF THE CRYSTAL PYRAMID BECAUSE THAT IS SOME CRAZY SHIT.
IN 2012 FRENCH AND AMERICAN SCIENTISTS STUDYING THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE STUMBLED UPON THIS HUGE TRANSLUCENT PYRAMID
THIS THING MEASURED 300 METERS WIDE AND 200 METERS TALL. THAT’S BIGGER THAN THE PYRAMIDS OF GIZA SO YOU COULD IMAGINE HOW CRAZY THIS WAS TO THE SCIENTISTS
NOW THIS IS ALL 2000 METERS UNDERWATER. THE SCIENTISTS THEN DISCOVERED TWO HOLES AT THE TOP OF THE PYRAMID THAT MOVE WATER THRU AT AN EXTREMELY FAST RATE. THIS CAUSES MASIVE SURGE WAVES AND MIST ON THE SURFACE. THAT MAY BE THE REASON FOR THE INCIDENTS WITH BOATS AND PLANES CRASHING THERE
THEY’RE SAYING THAT THIS PYRAMID COULD BE FROM THE TIME BEFORE THE BIBLE SAYS NOAH’S ARK HAPPENED
OR ALIENS
BUT WHATEVER IT IS THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE JUST GOT LIKE A BILLION TIMES CREEPIER

WHAT. The FUCK
kimkanyekimye:

This is so beautiful.
depre-ss:

His pledge to her:
I will kill the spiders. i will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. i won’t ever pop my collar. i will never be rude to your tummy- when i hear it growl and gurgle. i promise to bend down and reply respectfully. i will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. i will kiss the papercuts. and the door-slammed finger, and the counter-bumped hip. i’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. i will be the big spoon. i will let you win at wrestling, sometimes. other times i will not. i will go faster. harder. i will pull when you want. and tease you when you don’t. i will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. not always. not on schedule. just whenever i want to. whenever i think you need one. or seven. i will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. i will hold your hand. i will love you.  i will love you. i will love you.

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